Shattered
by Beautyinthepain
Summary: E&B - Human Characters - "Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. You have to save them knowing all the while it will hurt like hell"
1. Prologue

_The name is to show the POV. The story is told by Bella, Edward, Alice and Jasper. The story is rated M due to later chapters. I hope you enjoy the story and please review as I'm new :)_

_Disclaimer: All names, dates, places, concepts, makes and familiar quotations and any other content belong to the respective owners. All characters mentioned belong to S. Meyer. _

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**Prologue**

"What happens when you're still in love but time rips you apart?  
Is there ever an answer for when love is not enough?"

* * *

**Bella:**

"Edward you scaring me slow down!" I screamed clutching hold of the dashboard with all I had although it wouldn't stop me sliding as we swerved dangerously through the traffic. All I could hear was the engine of the car being pushed to its limit and the beeps surrounding us trying to pull Edward out of whatever the hell it was he was doing, but unfortunately I already knew that a beeping horn wouldn't get his attention right now. I turned to look at him to see that my screaming had done nothing to dent his hardened composure, at this point nothing I did would. I was finding it hard to decide what I would rather focus my attention on. On the one hand I could look at all the near misses we were making because of Edward's driving or I could look at Edward as he pushed the car 180mph through heavy traffic making the near misses and just not caring. No emotion cared displayed itself on his face instead and it's one of the rare moments I'm actually scared to look at him. Usually it's hard to tear yourself away from his eyes or his lips but on the days he loses himself, even for the smallest moment, I'm always scared of the thought that my Edward won't come back and I'll be left with the Edward I'm forced to look at now. Cold and uncaring.

While switching furiously between the both of them I just caught a glimpse of the truck changing lanes, the back obviously moving slower than the front, swerved in front of us. I wanted to make a noise but it all happened too fast for me to even open my mouth but slow enough for me to see it all. I looked to Edward who was pulling the steering wheel in the opposite direction but even he knew it was too late, finally at least the composure was gone. If you asked me now I could have sworn I heard his name but then all I heard was the scrap of metal hitting the car bonnet. The windows were the first to break, not that it mattered. I moved my arm in from of my face and tried to duck down but nothing could stop the inevitable now. The back corner of the truck swung itself at my passenger window and then it just went dark.

**Edward:**

The accident was all a blur to me, nothing was clear. But this was. Bella was lying unconscious on the hospital bed; the back of the truck had hit on her side so I came out with nothing but a small head injury which needed eight stitches while she had a collapsed lung, three broken ribs and a dislocated knee with a dozen more minor injuries covering her entire body from all the glass. I sighed and put my head in my shaking hands and just sat there listening to the machines waiting for her to wake up. Please let her wake up, I won't hurt her again I promise...I just really need her to wake up.

**Bella:**

When I woke up everything suddenly hurt all at once but then almost instantly I was overcome by numbness. My throat was sore from not being used which was odd to be my first complaint considering I could only imagine my current state. I could just about make a figure sitting to my left but fearing to move my head I just pathetically squeaked "water". The small figure quickly rose to its feet and fetched the water only placing it to my mouth in small dribbles when all I wanted to do was to swim in it. I focused my eyes and saw Alice standing in front of me with pity drawn across her small fragile face. It was unusual to see her in a state of no makeup and no smile, it made me oddly uneasy. I thanked her for the water which she put back on the side and then clasped my hand. We didn't speak but we did stay like that for a while. The only thought that crossed my mind was where was Edward?

**Alice:**

I was enraged by his behavior so the first thing on my list of things to do was to hunt him down. I burst through his bedroom door and before he could even get over the shock of my entrance I had already started screaming.

"What the fuck Edward?"

"Alice leave it" he pleaded with me, his eyes were puffy which meant he had either been crying or not sleeping and I was secretly hoping it was both.

"You got her in a car crash then bolted from the hospital? Seriously what's wrong with you?"

His shoulders dropped and a sadness enveloped his frame but I wasn't done it was too late I wanted blood, hell at this point I wanted war.

"Don't think this whole pathetic demeanor is going to get you anywhere. You pull these kinds of stunts and now you can't even come through with your mistake. Edward she's hurt and devastated because of you and for some fucking reason all she wants is to see you and you can't even stick around!"

His eyes lit up, finally a reaction

"I'm not seeing her"

His voice was slow and controlled and devastatingly calm. I was so shocked of this confession that I was silenced and that a hard thing for you to do to someone like me in a situation like now.

"You're not going to see her?" I pathetically squeaked at him not being able to shield pure intense hurt.

He shook his head and it took all I had in me to walk out of the door. If left in there with him he would have been in the bed next to her. Not that it was past what he deserved.


	2. Chapter One

**_Two years on;_**

"Want my advice?  
Stay mad as long as you can.  
Because once you're not mad anymore, it hurts.  
It hurts like hell and once it hurts that bad you can't make yourself mad anymore"

* * *

**Bella:**

Today was Nanny C's 70th birthday and in true Cullen style everyone the woman had ever smiled at was invited, including me. I tried to get out of it as best as I could but it only resulted in getting a phone call from the woman herself. This meant I couldn't say no. I personally couldn't think of anything worse than being in the company of my past.

I looked at myself in the mirror in my plain black backless dress. I had healed quite well and most of my scarring was down the left side and easily covered, the only one visible was down the inside of my left arm, I traced it and it only made me squirm and move away from the mirror. I only got a phone call from Edward once I had left the hospital. I had a cast on my leg so I was pretty much immoveable which I think he was counting on as he told me that things between him and I were over and that it would be easier if we didn't see each other anymore. He was cold and efficient as he delivered this news, we had been together for nearly a year and a half yet this one ten minute phone call made me doubt every 'I love you' that ever came from the same voice which was then telling me that 'I wasn't good for him' and that I should understand because the relationship was fucked anyway 'I mean who can make this work'.

True to his word in the few months I was out of school he had transferred and I had no will power to go up to his home and demand any sort of explanation. Many would have expected an apology for what he did but I never once blamed him for my accident, he told me not to get in the car and I did it anyway, it's the one thing I said on the phone in a pitiful heartbroken voice pleading with him

'Just don't tell me your sorry, it's all I ask'.

Unfortunately and fortunately me and Alice became very good friends during mine and Edwards relationship and because of the fact I won't step foot in the Cullen home we spent many days and nights meeting at Nanny C's (she demands to be called this) which has left me in my current regrettable position tonight being compelled to go seeing as I've spent god knows how many dinners at the woman's table.

He will be there. For the first time in two years I will see Edward Cullen. I could feel myself shake at the image stored in my head. The last happy memory I have of him was the day before the accident, we were in his bedroom, Mr and Mrs Cullen were busying themselves like they do many weekends, I came out of his bathroom and he was laying face down on the bed. I was wearing his shirt meaning he was shirtless and I can't remember how long I spent watching the muscles in his back tense in and out with his breathing before he broke my entertainment, 'You already have me Swan, you know you can always do more than just stare" and he turned over smiling. It was hard not to smile back when he looked at me like that. He used to look at me like I was the single most important reason for his existence. I never understood why he thought he was the lucky one but I never questioned it either. Instead I crawled into his lap as he began demanding his shirt back.

I had to snap myself out of it; I didn't want to indulge in moments that are long passed. The next day when I turned up for lunch like we arranged he was dark, angry and lost. The rest I ignore, If I get stressed my arm will ache, badly, and then I'll need pain killers and that's not the impression I want to give off tonight. I ran my hands through my hair, closed my eyes and willed the clock to stop ticking.

The rest of the Cullen adults didn't care for me much. Edward's father took little interest in me due to his heavy workload so we were on nothing more than just small talk, actually thinking about it he probably doesn't know my last name. Edward's mother didn't exactly take a lot of notice of me considering Edward was her golden child I wouldn't measure up in her eyes. Alice and I were really good friends, she was up at the hospital every day and then at my home for weeks on end helping me get back on my feet and catch up with school. For the longest time I thought she was only around because of Edward's disappearance but I think she needed to be away from him too. I never understood why his parents jumped at the chance to help him avoid me but they did and it was flawless.

I checked I had everything in my purse that I needed and then stared at my reflection one more time. It's weird that I see myself staring back at me some days because I haven't felt like the girl in the mirror for a long time.

**Alice:**

I couldn't believe Nana actually wanted Bella and Edward in the same room again tonight; after she witnessed nearly every stage of Bella's recovery and heartache I'm beginning to think she really is losing it. The house was swarming, my mother Esme was fluttering around downstairs trying to get the candles a minimum distance away from each other and the flowers asymmetrical and all that small detail that no one ever notices unless it's wrong. This is the kind of thing my mother lives for anything to show off the home and how well the family is doing. I couldn't believe the ignorance that was going on. My father was in the study reading over some sort of medical case, my mother was up to her neck in flowers and Rosalie was showing Nana all the food that will be serving and the position of all the waiters.

Rosalie moved out with her new husband Emmett a few months ago. She couldn't wait to get out of the home she always said the atmosphere in this house was crippling and I would be inclined to agree. It was sometimes hard to breathe in this house but both of my parents had the best intentions; emotionally however they weren't always there.

Then there was him. We used to be really close but after what he did we have hardly spoken a word to each other, not after he forbade me to see her anymore. That didn't end well at all; I had a broken knuckle after I punched him. Absolute coward even today the thought of what he did made me angry but then Jasper came up from behind me and started massaging my shoulders. Our relationship is moving nicely into its fourth year and we are still stable and very much in love. My parents, well mother, doesn't quite agree with my choice but that's an argument we have only had the once. Jasper is a lot taller than me and towers over me but instead of finding it intimidating I have always found it reassuringly comforting. His hair is an untameable mess and he is a very quiet man but he owns my heart and has kept it safe.

"Relax sweetheart"

He whispered slowly in my ear and I did just that, deep breath in and just stood there with him in that moment for just a minute. The hustle around me faded away as I put my weight back on him and just absorbed his calm presence and tried not to worry about what would happen tonight. Jasper was wearing one of my favourite aftershaves and I had to smile at how he remembers all tiny details but apparently this wasn't enough.

"Seriously Alice, relax you usually enjoy these sorts of things"

He was right I did love a reason to get all dressed up so I thanked Jasper and headed up stairs to get ready when I saw something that emotionally knocked me on my arse. Edward was just about to knock on my door and he jumped as I came up the stairs. For what felt like minutes we stood staring at each other. I wasn't going to speak first, something in me found it absolutely impossible too, even though my mind had a ton of things it wanted to scream at him or say to him. I raised my eyebrow and shifted my weight to one side hoping that the gesture would spark whatever he wanted to say. Edward pulled his hand through his hair; good he was panicked and nervous. Leaving his hand on the top of his head he started to speak, slowly and as calmly as he could manage. He was trying very hard not to do anything that would spark a conflict.

"I didn't want to start another fight I just wanted to ask something"

Silence.

He would never believe me if I told him that I just couldn't speak to him unless provoked but it was the raw honest truth and I hated myself that this is what it has come too.

"Do you know if she's coming?"

He sounded desperate and shattered but it wasn't satisfactory enough for me to give him an answer. He was going to have to do something better than that.

"Bella?" So at least he knew what I was waiting for

"Oh good so you do know her name" I heard myself say without really thinking, looks like bitchy Alice is taking this conversation.

"Please Alice" He pleaded with me, not only in his voice but his face was pleading for me to not do this to him, not again. He shoved both of his hands into his suit pockets and stood with his head bowed.

"What do you even care Edward"  
Spite spite and more spite. Jesus is this what mine and Edwards relationship crumbled too.

"Alice"

He was pleading with me, begging me almost. He didn't want to have this conversation and in truth I didn't want it either, I don't like this version of me. She wasn't here before the accident and I'd really like it if she would just go away.

"She's going to be here Edward because Nana asked her."

Edward nodded and pulled his hand through his messed up hair again before letting out a breath he was holding. Not the answer he wanted.

"Don't try this Edward It just won't work with me"

The tone I was hearing in my voice made me laugh, I sounded like my mother and so decided to walk towards my door and he took a step back.

I slammed the door behind me and tried to steady my shaking hands. I'm not unreasonable usually and I'm not stupid, he needs help. Something in me just cannot seem to give it to him though. I walked into my walk in closet and tried to lose myself in clothes. God help me I couldn't stay in my head any longer.


	3. Chapter Two

"It`s amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take."

* * *

**Bella:**

It shocked many people when I started driving again. I think many thought I would be petrified of cars but actually I don't relate my accident to the road. I got in the car voluntarily and I knew exactly what Edward would do, my reasoning was that if he was going to put himself in danger then I wasn't going to let him do that on his own. Many of my earlier therapists were concerned that I never applied blame to anything and that I would never take any notice when they pressured me to talk about applying the blame to Edward. They tried to stimulate anger, bitterness, resentment...many of them just wanted something to work with.

"_Bella, anger is a natural emotion and shouldn't be ignored"_

_I rolled my eyes_

"_I'm not angry" the doctor then rolled her eyes._

"_It is important emotionally to apply anger to help heal"_

"_I have healed" I answered plainly_

"_How do you feel about your accident?"I gave it some hard thought but couldn't give a much better answer_

"_Not much really" That did it..._

"_How can you not? Your only eighteen and was in a serious road accident due to your boyfriend's recklessness and carelessness for not only himself, but you the girl he should care about and countless other road users and you feel nothing?" _

_Shit, she smiled_

"_Do you blame your boyfriend Miss Swan?" She asked me and I took a deep breath_

"_I have always felt that Edward has nothing to answer for. I knew what he was going to do when I demanded to get in the car. I don't blame him so I have no need to forgive him." She smiled_

"_Then why the reaction to his mention?" I looked down_

"_I've not seen him since...I miss him"_

_I glanced up quickly, the smile was gone. Even she was sad now. _

I tried to refocus my mind as it would do no good dwelling on that experience as I joined the queue of cars that were slowly making their way up to the door. I parked behind an overly shiny and expensive black thing that I really couldn't name and watched an elderly man walk around the bonnet to let his Lady out. I smiled as he bent slowly to hold the hand of an equally wrinkled hand and lifted her out of the car. He shut the door behind her and waited for her to fix herself and then clasped his hand into hers and walked her to the door that was emitting bright lights and louder music into the darkness outside. I let myself out with no date to help me out and locked my grubby car behind me. I pulled my coat around me and walked up to the entrance hoping that Alice was somewhere near the door or at least Nana C. I didn't want to be left wondering on my own, not tonight.

I walked into the grand entrance hall that was swamped with white flowers on cream table cloths. The Cullen's had pulled out all the stops tonight as all I could see dotted around the room was poor young boys and girls dressed like penguins serving a small feast. It wasn't a good feeling that I associated myself more so with the help tonight rather than the overly glamorous guests. I scanned the room, no Alice and Nana had a big crowd around her so I headed straight for the drinks bar. I wasn't even going to look for him. I sat on a clear stall and took my coat off; a young blonde haired boy came over and smiled at me. I must have been letting the strain show as his first question was if I was ok. I tried to plaster a smile but I think it came off more sarcastic than heart warming. I think Esme must have yelled at him tonight as his voice was timid and his body language was screaming that he was walking on egg shells.

"What's your name?" I asked glad that at least my voice was warmer than my smile.

"Steve the bartender" he smiled back and I could feel him relax slightly

"Ok Steve the bartender you are now my new favourite person here" we both smiled

"I'm driving tonight so nothing alcoholic unless it gets real bad here real quick" I relaxed onto the bar slightly as he went to go and get my drink. I stared straight at what Steve the bartender was doing as I didn't want to keep scanning the room. Alice would find me eventually, we would go see Nana and then I can run away back home.

**Edward:**

After my pep talk with Alice I just fell straight onto my bed and hadn't moved since. I hated what Alice and I had become but what was surprising is that I didn't hate her, I felt responsible for causing the bitterness inside her and as always it's hard to hate what you created. I was now scared of going downstairs tonight, I was hoping anything would keep her away from the house tonight as I sure as hell couldn't distance myself from it. So fucking scared it was pathetic. Luckily everyone had kept clear of me today even Mother didn't come to fetch me as the party started nearly an hour and a half ago. The noise began along with the flow of alcohol. I could do with a drink. I ran my hands through my hair and shut my eyes trying to make myself disappear into nothing. I didn't want her here it was simple as that, I told Nana that but she wasn't having any of it. I didn't tell Alice this time as the last time Bella came up in conversation I got punched in the face; I deserved it but then felt worse that she actually hurt herself.

This was not helping so I needed to go down and get myself a drink, a quick round of the idiots downstairs and then I can hide back up here nursing a bottle of something. Bella always made these things more interesting as she would come up to me with some excuse and a bottle of something in her purse and we would just hang out up in my room. That was a long time ago now, my bedroom was red then but it's been stripped of its entire colour since and now the walls are white, I thought it was appropriate. I hesitated leaving as this time there is no comfort in downstairs, it's shifted into my personal curse.

"_Oh I'm so sorry to interrupt but Edward I just need to talk to you real quick"_

_She was standing in front of me with a huge smile on her face that was just for my benefit. I excused myself from my father's medical friends and Bella grabbed me by the hand and lead me up the stairs. I twisted her and pinned her against my door looking down at her while she smiled. She was very proud of her performance. _

"_Thank you" I almost whispered at her_

"_No problem" she winked and leaned up to capture my lips in hers. She pulled down on my neck and pulled me closer to her. I pushed her against the door and got as close to her as I could holding her lower back and lost myself in the familiarity of her mouth. Aware that the kiss was becoming too...private for anyone to witness it I pulled at the door handle to open the door and let us in the room and following her in. She dropped her purse on the sofa and turned on her heel so she was facing me again. _

_This was always my favourite part of these things. My hands cupped her face and I kissed her again, harder than I meant to as it nearly knocked her backwards so we stumbled towards the bed as I fell on top of her. Looking down on her made everything ok, her eyes were reassuring, her mouth was comforting and her beauty could brighten even my worse moods. If I ever believed I was that lucky I could have sworn she was made just for me._

"_What?" she asked looking confused which made her tilt her head to the side, her adorable cute quality that made the need to kiss her unbearable so I kissed up her slender neck back up to her lips but, as always, she wanted the answer to her question._

"_Edward" she was trying to be stubborn but the neck thing had work and lust just filled her voice...my name. _

"_Just you Bella, that's all the reason I ever need to smile" she accepted my answer and we both let the lust fill the air and forgot about the rest of the world below us. _

Haunted by the memory I went over to the mirror and fixed my hair that I effectively ruined in panic. I allowed myself to gaze into my reflection for a while and it was something that always caused a dull ache in me. My eyes looked tired, my face was white with little colour and I had lost a lot of my weight in a last couple of years and now its effects were showing in my face. I looked ill and I felt that I should be. The boy that I was shouldn't have turned into the man I am. The boy knew of love, felt it, experienced it and shared it, the man knew lost love, heartache and guilt and the signs were making themselves more apparent every day. I sulked out of my bedroom and wondered down the stairs walking into the chaos that was Nanas party in full swing. I shook hands with the usual crowd of dull people as I tried to find a clear path to the alcohol.

Suddenly the room stopped, the music stopped, hell even my pulse stopped I swear. Curly brown hair was flowing down her back, long slender legs folded around the barstool, killer black heels to match her signature killer backless dress. I couldn't believe I was actually seeing her again, I was trying to move but I just couldn't and I was trying to talk myself out of trying to see her face but something wanted it. Actually something in me needed it. Something ugly and selfish wanted her. I stuffed my hands into my pocket and was trying to will her to just turn round just a bit when something hard and small smacked into my shoulder.

Alice smashed by me and glanced back giving me a dirty look that could have scared the devil and I was brought crashing back to reality. I couldn't believe what I was doing, she couldn't see me and I couldn't want to see her. Jasper followed shortly behind Alice and I grabbed him by the elbow and eventually convinced him to bring a bottle of something to my room and to come get me when we were doing the cake.

I glanced back at the bar and Alice had moved her in the opposite direction to me so all I could see was the back of her again even that made me ache but then something worse happened. Bella lifted her left arm up to Alice's earrings and I noticed the pink scarred line that crawled down her arm and back up past her shoulder into her dress. Guilt and hate flowed through my system and a lump in my throat formed as panic sunk in and I fled up to my room and slammed the door shut and slide down the back. My face in my shaking hands and my eyes watering I slammed my fists against the wall. Someone ugly left something ugly on my perfect girl.

**Alice:**

Jasper and I finally moved out of the kitchen and through the welcome hall when I spotted Edward staring at something. Oh my god it was Bella. Outrage filled me and I pulled away from Jaspers clasped as he tried to get me under controlled and I hit Edwards shoulder as hard as I possibly could. My instant reaction was to wince but I still was able to turn and glare at him with all the real hate I had in me for him before storming off to Bella. I wasn't going to let her see him she deserved better. Most of the time I often caught myself disgusted for the raw emotion I harboured for Edward and in some ways it was regrettable and I wanted to be able to talk to my brother again but he hasn't been the same since, he probably should have more help than just a transfer of school in the beginning but I'll put my hands up and say that I couldn't have done it. I walked over to Bella who was talking to the bartender and I threw my arms around her and rocked her giggling. I wasn't going to let on what was wrong, not a chance. I spun round her so she had her back to him as. I ordered my martini and then we exchanged hair, dress and accessory compliments. I caught the satisfying glimpse of Edward leaving the room and Jasper coming towards me and my face relaxed a bit as Jasper leant to kiss Bella on the cheek hello and complimented the way she looked tonight before he came and stood behind me.

"Ok Bells you stay here and ill let Nana know you're around but you know how these things are so I have to run and show my wonderful smile around and then I'll be back and all yours!"

She smiled and told me to take my time as Jasper took my hand and lead the way into the garden. Not good news he wanted to talk.

"He isn't doing well" he said quietly, it hurt to know that Jasper regretted bringing Edward up as I knew I had effectively killed his relationship with him as well. Guilt flashed its ugly head as I realised how isolated I left Edward.

"He shouldn't be doing well" I spurted out before really thinking, oh good I've gone for stubborn.

"Alice c'mon tonight isn't going to be easy on him" He started rubbing over my thumb with his.

"Yeah because he finally realises that she isn't actually invisible" I spat, the poison I was sharing was leaving a foul aftertaste in my mouth

"We don't know how he thinks, this can't be easy" Damn him being so diplomatic.

"I don't care" I span on my heel and headed inside back to the warm house leaving Jasper out in the cold.

**Jasper:**

I watched Alice storm off so I decided now was as good as time as any to get Edward something to take the edge off. I was going to stop by Bella but she was talking to the bartender so I just grabbed something from the corner and smiled at her as I moved from around the bar and back through the crowd and up the stairs where the air became less musty and the music softened. I knocked on his door and then glanced down at the bottle I grabbed; I rolled my eyes and cursed myself for not checking before Alice is so going to kill me. Edward opened the door and had already pulled his tie off and grabbed at a couple of top buttons.

"Thanks" he whispered hoarsely and grabbed the bottle of vodka looking at it strangely probably thinking why the hell I brought that up, I walked into the room behind him, the air was still clear so at least he hadn't smoked in here recently.

"You alright?" I asked as I watched him gulp back way too much of the vodka and then watched his expression distort as it burned the back of his throat.

"Fine" he winced as he tried to gulp down air to combat the burning but his relaxed frame suggested that it gave him the comfort that he was obviously looking for.

"Edward..." I began but he cut me off.

"Don't want to talk about it" he looked me dead in the eye and I knew that look. He was broken and I certainly wasn't going to push it. I promised to come back up and get him when the cake was ready and he waved me off as he gulped from the bottle again, still with no caution. I sighed at my friend and I felt pity for him. He had changed so much with what happened that I miss my friend very much some time, it's not easy to watch a man torture himself and even harder to realize that there is nothing that I could possibly do for him to lighten the weight he was feeling. I never agreed with what he did when he ran, I would have been on my hands and knees beginning for forgiveness. This was the saddest thought when I looked at Edward, he needs forgiveness for what he did, thing is Bella forgave him the minute she opened her eyes. The poor girl isn't bitter or angry at Edward and it would hurt her to see how he is treating himself. But when he ran away from Bella he also ran away from the forgiveness he needed to hear.

I reassured Edward that I would be back up when the cake was brought out and he just nodded me as I let myself out. I took a minute to myself and walked back into Alice's room and went for the silver picture frame on the bedside table. It was a picture of me and her in her garden. I counted my blessings and asked fate to show mercy for me and my Alice. I put the frame down and returned to downstairs and place myself by her side, she smiled as she tried to feign interest for some private school academic type in front of her and I just laughed and held her hand feeling the luckiest man alive.

**Bella: **

Well Steve the bartender is a medical student at the closest College and is in his third year. He wants to deal with burn victims as his speciality and has been bartending for three months. After about an hour's worth of conversation I'm out of ideas. So I pick up my glass and coat, which I draped over my left arm and try and steady it, before walking towards the crowd surrounding Nanny C. She spotted me quickly and called me over so I pushed my way through the crowd to come stand next to her as she put her small frame around me and smiled gently.

"How are you doing dear?" She was ignoring the rest of her company now and they didn't like it.

"I'm very good thank you; this is a wonderful party Nanny C are you having fun?"

She laughed

"I have wonderful company dear what more could I need?"

The others then started with other conversation so I stood and listened for a while with Nanny C's comforting arm around me. Even with her comfort I couldn't help but think where he was, Edward, I didn't want him to miss his grandmother's birthday especially as he has more of a right to be here with her than me. I began to feel very hot and pain began to prickle at my neck so I smiled at Nana C and excused myself opting for the garden.

The cold air hit me quickly and wrapped itself around me. I shivered and so went to put on my coat. I thread my right arm through and then hit a difficulty when I couldn't lift my left arm high enough to go into the arm of the coat. I cursed as the pain shocked my upper arm making me instantly relax it at my side. Fed up I held my breath and just pulled my arm cursing and releasing my breath once I was wrapped up inside my coat. I pulled it close and crossed my arms as I set off in a random direction of the large garden.

I had many good memories here. Once upon a time we would spend whole afternoons out on the grass just talking about nothing or in events like this we would grab some booze and sit by the large fountain that was the centre piece of the landscaped garden. Walking towards the old thing his voice fluttered involuntarily in my mind, his honey warm voice making me promises of forever and happy endings. I sat on the edge and let my fingers play with the water.

My arm was aching and my body craved to leave. I pulled my phone out of my handbag and thought of texting Alice to let her know I was going to leave but as I was typing the message I decided that she probably wouldn't have it on her and so my departure would just cause trouble. I put the phone away and looked back up at the house.

"_Just promise me" his sweetly toned voice filled the cold air between us. He was in his best suit with his tie swinging half way down his chest and his first couple of buttons undone. He was smiling a small smile but still he looked content and happy. His eyes were warm but I found that they always were when they were looking at me and that thought made me smile in return, but misreading my action made him ask me again._

"_Come on Bella, please?"_

_His smile was widening now and he touched his hand to my cheek, while he was always very affectionate when he had a few drinks we nearly always had the same conversation._

"_I've promised you before Edward"_

_I loved how his name sounded on my lips and the instant warmth it put into my voice_

"_I just need to hear you"_

_He brought my head forward to him and kissed me on my forehead._

"_Edward Cullen…" _

_I pulled back and was looking at him dead in the eyes and clasped his cold hand next to me_

"_I will never forget you. I couldn't possibly"_

_He smiled at me and something in him felt relieved_

"_I just don't care about anyone else Bella, no one in that house there can come close to you. So I need you to promise me that you remember because if you do…it doesn't matter if everyone else forgets" _

_He always got very emotional like this once he started drinking, this fear of losing me or me forgetting him only surfaced once he started drinking. When he was sober he was confident and composed but once he let his guard down he was flooded with insecurities too._

"_Your being ridiculous Mr. Cullen. I doubt the world will be able to recover from the mark you will leave" _

My hand had travelled where his should have been and was just met with the cold concrete of the fountain. I looked back at the house, it didn't look much different to that night and actually nothing in particular seemed out of place other than Edward who was no longer by my side. I was saddened not by my lonely circumstance but by the truth, the world carried on despite my heartache.

* * *

_Italics are either characters independent thoughts or memories. I uploaded two chapters because I felt they were a little short. All feedback is welcomed and please offer any advice (Without being too mean would be awesome!)_


	4. Chapter Three

Love? It's kind of complicated, kid - but I'll tell you this. The second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there

* * *

**Alice:**

I began to wonder where Bella had got to when I saw her walk in from the garden but my relief was quickly squashed with concern. I went over to her and put my hand to her face, she was freezing and upset. She was shaking but it was hard to tell if it was the cold or her mood and she was clasping at the top of her arm. I think she tried to say my name but just squeaked and her eyebrows wrinkled up and she just looked in pain. I grabbed her and marched her through the crowds not caring about the looks or who I was hitting into I needed to do damage control.

I glared daggers into Edwards's door but just dragged her past it as she let out a howl that sounded more like a wounded animal rather than a hurt girl so I threw her into my room and locked the door. He wasn't going to be able to get to her and she wouldn't be able to get to him, no one wrote a rule book on what to do when your brother gets your best friend, more importantly his girlfriend, in a car crash and then bolts. I have to make this stuff up as I go along and gut instinct is screaming to keep him away from her.

She wanted to stare at anything but me and my instincts took over and I just hugged her, I didn't know what else to do. She was taller than me so it wasn't the comforting hug around the shoulders I wanted it to be but rather me clutching onto her waist. She just put her right arm around my shoulders and began to breathe in slowly and deeply. Trying some of the methods she learnt in her therapy, I believed them all to be nonsense, how can counting to ten possibly help with anything other than waste ten seconds?

I took a deep breath and composed myself before letting her go, sitting her down on the bed and getting her tissue to wipe her eyes. This was the first time she looked at me and it instantly broke my heart, they were just sad. Of course Bella had been sad before but something was different, there was always a hope in her sadness, the kind of sad that just took time. To look at her you knew somewhere along the line not every day would be like this for her, there wouldn't always be a cloud over her head. I always wished that her hope laid in love rather than Edward but tonight it seems that the dream that was keeping her going was gone and she was just left shattered, crying tears for him...again.

"I'm sorry"

She squeaked pathetically at me and she tried to compose herself but it was a battle she was losing. The techniques proving that they were absolutely useless. We sat together in silence while she clutched at the top of her left arm. It hurt to see her in pain and it made me angry that the culprit of such action was only across the hall.

There was then a knock at the door and my heart stopped at the thought. Surely he isn't that stupid to try and walk in here?

"Alice?" Rosalie's voice filtered through the door, I looked at Bella and she nodded so I unlocked the door and invited her in.

"Ok so the caterers want to do the cake now but I thought people might start leaving so I was thinking..."

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Bella. Pity crossed her face, then anger.

"I swear to god if that boy has done something to her tonight he won't get another chance" Rosalie looked cute and pretty harmless, until she talked that is. She certainly had a way with words and of course she is not morally against turning anything into a disturbingly impressive weapon.

Bella shook her head and then looked down. Rosalie came and hugged her around her shoulders and sat next to her.

"Why the tears?"

She could always ask the blunt questions, it didn't seem to bother her. The idea of being that blunt would make me cringe but Bella knew Rosalie quite well, they were hardly going to become sisters but there was an understanding between them. Usually Bella had to take Rosalie as she came and on an off day Rosalie may apologise for being insensitive. I saw Bella try and go to answer her a few times and just gave up with her sentence, eventually she just had given up trying to give the real answer or maybe trying to come up with an excuse. She just shrugged and whispered to the room.

"I don't even deserve a hello do I?"

* * *

**Jasper:**

Alice, Bella and Rosalie are missing. Something isn't right. With this thought I went to head upstairs. I never had many problems with obligations at these sorts of things as no one ever wanted to talk to me particularly, which is the way I liked it. I went upstairs and was relieved to not hear shouting which meant Edward wasn't involved but I did hear muffled voices. I approached her door slowly but when I heard crying I almost ran for the door, fear hit hard as I imagined Alice upset.

I walked in and instantly realised that it was Bella who was upset and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.

"Is this because of Edward?" I blurted out and Alice gave me the look that told me I was in trouble and Rosalie gave me a look that just said 'Shut up'. Bella just looked hurt but no one gave me my answer.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I didn't often lose my temper but this was ridiculous.

"Jasper!"

Alice scorned me but as I was already in trouble so as there was no turning back now I was saying my peace

"No don't Jasper me. They are a fucking door away from each other miserable!"

Alice got to her feet

"Jasper leave it"

She said through clenched teeth but as it goes I'm feeling rebellious tonight

"Leave what? Tell me what part of this makes sense to you? Tell me what in your head makes this ok?"

She pulled me out of the room and into the hallway.

"It is not your job to fix this Jasper or to comment"

"Oh but it is yours to offer every other bit of advice rather than for her to actually talk to Edward"

She looked at me shocked; we haven't had this argument yet.

"You know what he did Jasper, that doesn't need explaining"

"And you know what she wants Alice, fuck it you know what he wants but to hell with it you deal with this bullshit." I pushed past her and stormed off only hearing her slam her bedroom door behind her.

Admittedly the timing sucked and it was insensitive to Bella but she was being stubborn and clearly the two of them need to talk. I'm not suggesting Bella jump back into Edwards's bed but he needs to hear that he is forgiven, that she doesn't blame him. Bella just needs Edward to look at her again. To me it seems so simple but what do I know? Being male my relationship knowledge seems to stop at the neckline.

* * *

**Edward:**

"You know what he did Jasper, that doesn't need explaining!"

"And you know what she wants Alice, fuck it you know what he wants but to hell with it you deal with this bullshit."

My head was spinning and not only from the vast amounts of Vodka I knocked back in a very short amount of time. I leaned against my door wanting to hear more but then there was a slam of her door and I knew the argument was over. I couldn't decide what to address first.

Bella was one room across from me.

Bella was one room across from me upset.

Bella was one room across from me upset because she thinks I don't want to see her.

Life is cruel.

_Bella,_

_This is something that you should never have experienced. I never should have put you in that danger I was foolish and stupid and upset but you should have been more important than that. I hurt you. I am the reason you're in the hospital and that's something that I will never be able to forgive myself for. _

_You should never have been in that car because you should never have been with me so I will make the decision you won't._

_You won't hear from me or see me again. I promised that if you came back to me then I would never hurt you again, but this is not a promise I can keep. I promised you that I would protect you from the world but I never thought that it would include me. It won't happen again._

_I need to say goodbye Bella because I won't watch you hurt again. Just come back to the world and I will step back from yours. You will find happiness again one day because it is what you deserve. _

_I never deserved you Bella, so I thank you for showing me a happiness I should have never known but It is an impossible goal for me to try and be good enough for you and my failures cannot become your burden. _

_I love you Bella Swan, but it won't hold you back anymore. You're not mine anymore. _

_E._

I pulled the letter out of my top draw and re-read the words that had broken my heart to write. Hate filled me as I began to think that if I had been brave enough to send it two years ago instead of that stupid phone call maybe she wouldn't still be hurting now. Sorry Bella I was scared, scared that you would read the words and lose faith. I was scared that you would accept my goodbye and lose all hope you ever had in me.

I couldn't say goodbye because she could have been mine...she should have been.

* * *

**Bella:**

Humiliated, humbled and embarrassed Rosalie and Alice helped me re-do my make-up. Alice was particularly quiet about the argument she had with Jasper and I felt guilty that I had caused and argument between the two of them and made a mental note to apologise later to Jasper.

We all walked down together, Alice went off to try and find Jasper and Rosalie went to talk to the caterers about getting the cake ready. I scanned the dining room but after finding that I didn't recognise one face I move back to the bar to my still empty barstool and re-engaged in conversation with Steve the bartender who looked like he was having a better night.

**Edward:**

**

* * *

**

I knew this feeling all too well and I knew it was being exaggerated by the buzz from the alcohol and yet I had seemed to have lost the will power to control it. I began taking off my suit and put on my favourite jeans, my old trainers and grabbed my leather jacket off the side of the sofa. I glanced over the letter again and put it back into my top drawer and took out the set of keys that sat next to them. I stood for a second and glared at them. That day I didn't have this control, that day I didn't hesitate. I haven't had a day like that since.

Opening the balcony doors I looked around my room and decided that my worn suit on my sofa would be a big enough sign that I had left. I felt bad for Nana but she would either not notice or understand, maybe. I closed the doors behind me and lowered myself onto the conservatory roof and made the jump from that onto the ground. A manoeuvre I've made a thousand times before.

The cold night air made a sharp contrast to the smell of food and alcohol that was caught up inside the house. The noise was muffled from here but I could see inside the kitchen and saw Rosalie try and sort the finishing touches for Nanas cake. I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and turned into the darkness and walked through the gardens.

My mind was clouded but my instincts had taken over. I opened the garage door and looked around to check no one had heard me but of course they were all inside enjoying the party. I put the lights on and walked to the back where my brand new silver Volvo stood. I hadn't used it after my parents had replaced it perfectly with the one I crashed. Unlike Bella, I did have issues with getting behind the wheel of a car again.

"_Edward don't get in the fucking car"_

_Bella screamed at me chasing after my fast pace as I fumbled with my keys to get the out of my pocket and unlock the car. I couldn't answer her, I could barely talk but my instincts were screaming at me that I needed to leave, I needed to run and since my legs can't carry me 180mph the Volvo was my way to do it. _

"_Edward we will talk about it please don't get in the car" _

_She was in front of me now crying, a small whisper told me to stop and comfort her. God even listen to her. But it was too late now, my dark instincts had taken over and that unfortunately for my perfect Bella meant her Edward was not here right now. _

"_Move"_

_I commanded her in a low growl, it was unrecognisable to even me but she appeared to back off. I opened the car door and got in the driver's seat when she opened the passenger and got in._

"_What the fuck are you doing?"_

_I never swore at Bella and I saw her flinch with the words but she just buckled her seatbelt_

"_If you're doing something stupid I'm coming with you"_

_I should have told her to get out, to leave. I should have said whatever I needed to say to get her to get out of my car or I could have stopped what I was doing, shake myself out of this state and both of us could of got out of the car, but she just sat there and stared at me. My heart was pumping and the adrenaline had already started to work so I turned on the engine and threw the car out of the garage and onto the street, immediately feeling better._

_Adrenaline is my thing; some people turn to alcohol or even drugs to help but not me. I needed to be behind the wheel of a car like a Junkie needed a fix. The roar of the engine being pushed was a different kind of rush and the rush fixed the pain. I needed to block it out, I didn't want to just accept so I was fighting back against emotions and fighting them with a rush. The two would fight it out before I felt nothing, blank. _

Little did I know that this need to block it out would open a whole different kind of a life altering pain. Looking at the car brought it all back. It wasn't worth it; nothing should have ever been worth it. I had headed towards my car because my parents were pushing for an Ivy League school despite this meaning my separation from Bella. I told them nothing would make me lose her and this lead to a raw argument. It hurt at how easily they both disregarded my feelings for Bella in the name of what? A better education? It would all mean nothing without her anyway.

They suggested long distance, they suggested helping with travel for me to come home to her. In hindsight, a deadly thing, I had overreacted. I wasn't listening and from their perspective they were looking at a stubborn eighteen your old who didn't want to lose his latest conquest. I couldn't blame them, before Bella I never held any real feelings for ... anyone. She changed everything for me, everything. I didn't expect them to understand that. Why would they?

You need to enjoy the irony of the situation or it's just too god damn painful to deal with.

That's why my parents helped me so much, my mother blamed herself for the accident and while she never approached Bella she helped me hide from what had happened. I got a school transfer even though I was so close to graduation it was stupid but I didn't want her to have to sit next to me in lessons. I didn't want her to have to explain or make excuses to the others for my mistake and I didn't want to appear in her graduation pictures, not even a glimpse. I wanted to vanish from her life completely. My father bought me a new car to replace the old one and I wasn't forced to go to college the years following, they understood.

* * *

**Jasper;**

I was getting the silent treatment off of Alice for the moment but we didn't want to give away our current argument to nearly a third of the state that was currently partying in Alice's home.

Yes I'm embellishing for dramatic effect. Yes this is my fifth vodka and coke and no I'm not drunk but I'm determined to get there before Alice and I go for part two of this argument.

Rosalie came over to us and pulled us away from the Shepherd family, who I might add are so dull I think it might be harmful to my health if I have to listen to them anymore tonight. Rosalie told us to start rounding up people into the main dining room to sing 'Happy Birthday' and to blow out the candles on the cake. Rosalie was your typically pretty girl. Long blonde hair, legs which left you confused where they started and ended but instead of looking like a Barbie doll her full lips, dark eyes and high cheek bones left her with an adult and I'll admit a sexy look. She and Emmett were made for each other and genetically their children will want for nothing. Not that I thought she had anything on Alice but I'm not blind or ignorant on what people see in her.

Alice had a very child like nature to her which made you want to be protective. She wasn't exactly naive and you really didn't want to get on the wrong side of her, which currently has a population of me and Edward, but to those not in the know Alice did seem like an easy target even though I don't think I'll ever meet another woman who has such a large manual of instructions that you need to follow to keep her happy.

It's hard to keep Alice down and up until the accident she didn't have any bitterness towards anyone. She used to live by the motto that 'no one lost any sleep from being too kind'. I think that is what hurts her sometimes. That she feels she can't be kind to Edward but I know she misses him and if you were to ask me I think the only thing their relationship needs is time. Edward needs to get over what happened and Alice needs to let herself understand the motives to Edwards actions but she won't do that because she then feels disloyal to Bella which Alice cannot physically do so it does not shock me when both Alice and Rosalie forget to mention Edward in the plans to group everyone together.

Instead of pointing this out to both women I go off and do as I'm told but instead of whispering round to groups of people I head upstairs to Edwards bedroom to fulfil my earlier promise hoping he isn't too wasted to get through one round of 'Happy Birthday'.

I knock on the door and waited for a response but nothing came which was unusual, even if he wanted to be left alone Edward wasn't one for silence...swearing yes, silence not so much. I reasoned that considering he was drinking the earlier bottle of Vodka like water there was a very good chance his new best friend was his bathroom. I shouted through that I was coming in and let myself in slightly surprised that the door wasn't locked.

On the sofa was his suit. Confused I decided to check the bathroom temporarily reasoning that he had to change due to being unwell but when that was empty too my intoxicated state was burned off through disappointment, anger and panic.

"God fucking damn'it Edward" I shouted to myself as I paced around his room.

I walked out of his room and looked up the hall but I already knew where he had gone and it wasn't Alice's or Carlisle's and Esme's room. Deflated I went to the balcony and tried to look out but it was too dark to see anything conclusive. I couldn't believe what I was going to do next but I shut the balcony doors and lowered myself onto the conservatory roof and then lowered myself from the conservatory to the floor. Edward was only slightly shorter than me so how is managed this anymore gracefully than I did was beyond me. After hitting the ground with a loud thud and cursing for my stupid actions I ducked out of sight of the conservatory windows which looked straight into the kitchen. The cake was still have last minute preparation so I figured I have time to run to the garage and back before being noticed that I was missing as well as Edward.

Alice is going to be so pissed off.

I ran to the garage and opened the door and put the light on. Sure enough only three cars sat in the garage accompanied by an empty space where Edward's Volvo should have been sat.

"You son of a bitch"

I swore into the air and turned the garage light off heading towards the house. I couldn't believe that he had bolted...again! It's his Grandmothers birthday! Where the hell would he even go? As I went through the front door into the light I looked at my watch, 11:43pm, well at least he won't have too much traffic to fly into. A sick bitter thought but fuck him this was absurd. Alice was still telling people to come through to the dining room and I started doing the same so I didn't look completely distracted, I didn't want to draw attention to myself from Alice. I didn't know what I was going to say to her or if I should say anything at all. It was only going to piss her off and Bella would pick up on it and that would upset Bella but if Alice found out for herself that Edward had drove off from the party...intoxicated with the help of the one formally known as Jasper Hale...then she would want blood.

Fortunately the situation was resolved for me. Alice came bounding over and grabbed my hand already singing 'Happy Birthday'. If she didn't notice Edward's absence then I would temporarily keep it from her until Bella was home and the party was over.

* * *

_Thank you for anyone who is taking the time to read the story. _

_ Any feedback, good or bad, would be much appreciated but if not thanks again for reading and I hope you stay with my story and enjoy :)_


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